Khabarovsk therapist in a love triangle all the angles
Spring – time “hunting” of men to women and Vice versa. It is generally accepted among the people think so and psychotherapists, drawing a parallel between the time of the awakening of all life in nature and the time short skirts and awakening of love in people.
The article on the topic
The time of love is not only romance, but also problems – if an unexpected feeling in the family of the partners, but not to each other. About the so-called love triangles journalist «AMF-Galiform”
talks with Igor Lubaczewski, clinical psychologist, psychotherapist outpatient psychotherapy Department № 1 of the Regional psychiatric hospital.
Olga Apollo, “AMF-Galiform”: – Igor, this phenomenon probably is the eternal problem of couples?
Igor Lubaczewski . – Almost all multi-page romance novels of the past centuries and present, you can find the description of soul searching for life in the love triangles. When she loves one, but lives with another, and he loves her, but meets another. I don’t understand when they say that this never happened before. And not to say that love triangles now became more. Love triangles – this is a great and most interesting adult game. Better than a computer game, stronger than the drugs.
– How are love triangles?
– First – it is a form of complex relationships, a sign of the crisis between people who live together. The presence of a third, oddly enough, makes these relations more stable. Because the triangle – the most stable shape in geometry. While psychotherapy is the principle of the stool: stool is never going to stand on two legs, for stability we need at least three. Therefore, during the experiences of the crisis in the family, each of its members at some point may begin to look for the man with which would be a little better, more comfortable. And it isn’t about the sex, and in human relations.
– What is a crisis?
– Lives, for example, steam, which begins to happen, something that makes life unbearable. Reason – chronic shortfall of emotions, attention, affection, recognition, respect and so on. At one point there was another person who can fill this deficit.
I remember there was a curious case. The man lived a very long time in marriage. They had kids. And suddenly, unexpectedly, as he says, started Dating another woman. On reception at the psychotherapist, the man admitted that he does not understand why he is attracted to her. “It is not as good as my wife, she is not so beautiful, not so successful. Even worse than the wife. But, every day I think about her”. To the question: what do you get from it, the customer replied: “every time I hear that I’m a good and delightful”. When the family no openness, acceptance, intimacy, then any person starts to search for it on the side.
– What about randomness, which is also described in the novels?
– In chance I don’t believe. When people get married or even just start to live together, they know what I signed up for. The man chooses the woman is going to live. Here he meets another on the side and kind of need to make a decision, but the love triangle allows you to leave things as they are. The man understands how “convenient” to have a mistress and a wife, and a woman sees how comfortable when there is the lover and the husband.
And, for the last two years I have noticed that an appointment has come an equal number of mistresses who are in relationships with married men, and wives who cheat on husbands. Moreover, there are no men. It is said that a man is always more convenient. With one hand difficult to have official relations with his wife, on the other – light and pleasant with his mistress. But this situation lasts from time – to-time.
The price of comfort
– How long can live a love triangle? ‘s not the truth always becomes clear.
– In my memory the longest lasted 15 years – so many years the mistress was waiting for the man. When you have that kind of relationship, you should always be aware of the price they have to pay, and the price is sometimes too high. There is a stereotype – each lover wants to be his wife. It’s more common that when a woman can not long to wait for the man, and the wife can’t stand long the cheating husband. On this basis, there are a lot of tears, irritation, worries, resentments and feelings of guilt. The exception to the rule – his wife and mistress girlfriends who know about each other, discuss their own man and all comfortable and well.
– How to exist in this situation?
– Each in a love triangle has a role to play. Man pissing mistress at his wife, looking at her rescuer. Always nice when you save from a bad wife. The wife plays the role of the pursuer. She says that her husband is bad, and pursues the mistress, accusing some reason its in the destruction of the family. And then the roles change, and the deceived wife becomes a victim, crying that she’s being deceived, and the husband plays the role of rescuer. All of them play, go over the edge and wait. Such a life is very much exciting and comfortable.
Playing by the rules
– The rules of life in a simple love triangle. One needs to pursue another, the other must Virovitica. First need to feel great pleasure, because he suffers from a guilty conscience, to demand attention, breakup, then to suffer what he left, and so on.
The man feels something like this: how am I to cope with all? And is a kind of crossing between the two sides. And he really likes it, because if the game was not so interesting, it would not play. It adds emotions and releases tension in the relationship. You can play forever, but the winner is the one who gives up, I mean, makes the decision first.
I recommend you ask all three questions: how much are you willing to wait for changes in the pair, and that you are willing to do for ourselves in order to change something? Are you ready to get out of it, if it bothered you? How is it advantageous to play?
Sometimes you have to give up, to try to step back, let go and then the thing – the triangle falls apart. Because it exists, while involved in three of them.
More often than over love triangles? Divorce, or the preservation of the family?
When relationships in a love triangle, if in the first two years of the divorce did not take place, chances are it will not. So I think women, Dating a married man: “When he divorces, he will be strong happy family”. Unfortunately, in 90% of cases it is not. Because of the role in a love triangle clearly distributed, and for men lover almost never become his wife. The context of relationships between lovers usually does not enter the relationship of husband and wife, even if they sign up. In this case, the man will again find himself a mistress.
By the way
The theme of love is full of myths and stereotypes. For example, around the absolute polygamous and monogamist, which actually does not exist. Because every kind, and people, too, must evolve and give birth to healthy offspring. Anthropologists, studying the nature of human beings, came to the conclusion that men and women equally polygamous and monogamous to find the best partner with whom I can live life.
Igor Lubaczewski within 6 years of experience in psychological counselling and psychotherapy, conducts individual and family clients with difficulties.
2009 – faculty dvggu, specialty “Psychology” specialization “Clinical psychology”.
2009-2013 – long educational program of the Moscow Gestalt Institute for psychotherapy, certified Gestalt therapist.
2012-2013 – long educational program on mediation. DWF Federal STATE budgetary educational institution of higher professional education Russian Academy of justice. Specialization in family and school mediation.
2007-2010 – psychologist-consultant of the Department of emergency psychological assistance “helpline”, center of Psychotherapy regional psychiatric hospital.
2009-2011: clinical psychologist Department of child and adolescent psychotherapy the city centre of Psychotherapy regional psychiatric hospital.
2009 – present: clinical psychologist Department of outpatient psychotherapeutic aid Regional psychiatric hospital.
2009 – present – lecturer, faculty of advanced training of specialists of the judicial system of the Russian Federation in the Russian Academy of justice.