Sex or to get to know Blondyсandy Wellness
Pending sex as a manifestation of the seriousness of
I received a letter from a reader with the question of when to begin an intimate relationship with a man that «nothing to spoil». So, a letter:
Dating from before bed.
«Hello, Kate! It would be interesting to know your opinion about what we need to pause between Dating and sexual relationships? One day, a week,
a month? And it may be worth «pickling» even longer? But if a man is persistent?
But if in your body and soul, he found a response and you can’t wait? Is it worth it to force yourself to struggle with physiology?
And does the deferral period at the end of a relationship? I mean, the result of which we are all secretly dream — love is forever, marriage, etc…
In my life I came face to face with the fact that my friends talked about how they were born of the relationship with their future husbands and heard that first sex with their men they occurred not earlier than in a month or even longer after they met. In this case, a couple of the stories was that the girls themselves wanted to take the initiative in the beginning, but were “chilled” their future halves for one reason or another.
Can this be considered a measure of the relationship? That is, if he wants immediately and tries really hard, he needed a body and the pleasure that it can with you to get. If nenastoychivo courting, insists and is willing to give time, he connects with you your future?
My goal — to convey to you the essence problematic issue for me. Why problematic? I will try to explain. I am 31 years old, I’m single, I have a child. Since its birth it’s been 3 years, during which I had no personal relationships with men. This is due to both my internal and external problems. But now not about it. I just did a lot of thinking and analyzing his past life and found that men who had offered me marriage and were determined seriously enough, did not insist at the initial stage of sex. No, they wanted me and clearly showed it, but were willing to wait. But (foolishly) I am weary of these ties, which they tried to entangle and refused. I never set ourselves any limits, that’s only after two weeks or two months,” I give myself to this man, and not earlier. But if he disagrees, then let him go to forest. I’ll be honest, there were cases when I was incapable of feelings, and intimacy happened on the first day of acquaintance. And it seemed to me that this is correct. But now I think about how I can be both time and cost to set limits and to limit ourselves by any rules. I wouldn’t be one on one with the hostile world, and would have a strong family friendly… was Able to build relationships and to declare their claims to the man…»
I was asked to respond to this letter Inessa Astakhov, a practicing psychologist and psychoanalyst.
Sex is the most sensitive indicator
«I Think that there is no single criterion by which to measure the depth of the feelings or the level of intimacy in the relationship, which can be used to predict the future. But you are right in that sex — this is the most sensitive indicator, which can show how much those two are configured on each other.
If a man is attracted to you from the very first meeting, I think it’s a good sign. Well, if you feel a strong sexual attraction, it is generally fine. And then the problems start. The question is, are you interested in this man? This particular man with his voice, hair, odor and habits? Perhaps he is there for you just as conveniently tucked the object on which you are at this stage of his life he projected all his expectations and fears? Expectations of a new meeting, a fantasy about a man with such a voice exactly, or your plans for the future so that’s about a man? Or you are driven by your fear of being alone? Or a desire to appease, finally, your mother? Or you like that so much impressed by your seductive appearance, on which you have worked? If so, then you are going to have sex and try to build a relationship with their projections, and fantasies, not with this man. And most likely, he’ll be disappointed when one day behave like something is wrong and will destroy your expectations. And the serial number of the night, in which the first time you have sex there is unlikely to be important.
What can you do? you ask. And here we approach the tip of our mothers and grandmothers: to rid yourself of frustration, first learn it better . What is it? What he thinks about himself and the world? She loved? Afraid of what? And when you make out your own fantasies real man and have sex with him, then most likely, all will be well, because real men, as we need the closeness and love. And as we do not want to be perceived as an object for manipulation and realization of someone’s expectations and fantasies.»
What men think?
Surprised me a little comment Inessa, I thought she advises «listen to your feelings» and if they say that you want sex «right now», then so be it. But my female readers, the situation is slightly different — not long had a relationship, and of course, when there is a child, a special recklessness will not allow. I was interested in a male perspective on things — how men treat women . not «marinate» them for months in anticipation of access to the body and aren’t then they «life» to remind you that you were so easily accessible. And can there be hope for a serious relationship if the sex happened «too fast»? Today I held a conference call with two friends of my brother and by him (he was the one I have now is staying). All said not to judge, and be prepared to wait if the girl likes. One friend waited for his future wife for almost a year, and it is up to «after the wedding», as the religious beliefs of his wife would not allow her to enter into a relationship with a man before marriage. Of course, this is a little extreme from my point of view, but I know this couple and their relationship is wonderful.
On the other hand, my brother remembered two occasions when a long period of abstaining from sex from the girl’s side was led eventually to marriage — «I want to have sex — marry» (of course, it was never stated, but implied) — I didn’t even think that it happens in our days, but as you can see, it happens. For me it is the manipulation, but once men are caught and eventually formed a happy family, then why not?
The reader also says that is the fact that the man is willing to wait, not to leave you, a Testament to the seriousness of his intentions . And suddenly it just means that he likes your company, but sexual intentions no? Remember the situation in reverse in «sex and the City» when Aidan «pickled» Kerry and she didn’t know what to think — me Aidan in principle enraged, I would have killed for such behavior)) This is from the series «How not to overdo and not to hurt for a long period of denial»…
I myself spent 10 years married to a man with whom we had a closeness in a few hours after meeting me and he never complained of this fact, even during our tumultuous scandals. Of course, sex is not codestone love, but I guess if you want a serious relationship, it is better to wait a bit (or a lot — we all have emotions develop in different ways) and actually get to know someone better, what do you think? What’s your experience? What advice would you give my reader?
Ahhh. Cindy hanging belly!